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How parents kill the soul of their children


Expectations are only good within the capabilities of the growing individual. All else debouches in stressful intentions to live up to the situation and generating more discomfort that growth.

Let me tell you this at hand of a personal experience with one of my clients.

A couple of years ago I worked as an coach in a water adaptation program for babies. The environment was a regular swimming pool with maximum depth of 90 cm, 28° Celsius and 10 to 12 parents with their babies, not older than 3 months. Main goal: adapting babies to the surrounding environment, through playful games and toys and tools to facilitate the transition from the womb to the swimming pool.

During the first two lessons, babies and parents were joyfully getting through the exercises and having a real good time, considering the smiling faces and the adaptation and progression of the plays. With one exception. A mother with a baby that had been crying for the first two lessons, giving and trying to comfort that little one with all means possible, but to no avail. The baby kept on crying, shivering from the cold and turning pale - blueish. And than it came to me, at the beginning of the third session where the same pattern pursued I called her and explained what I had discovered.

You see, beforehand my focus had been solely on the baby and its discomfort, not on the totality of the situation. So I zoomed out and now the mother came into the picture. And than it became all clear. I explained her that she was the source of the problem. And of course, no mother is pleased to hear that as every mother is doing within their capabilities. But capabilities are no reference for good motherhood, otherwise we wouldn't have had this situation. Which will equally be demonstrated at the end of this article.

The main problem were the expectations of the mother towards her baby. She felt so sorry and embarrassed that only her baby, out of a group of 12 seemed to have a problem. And thus, not only her inner guilt- feeling was projected upon her little one, but she also tried her utmost to live up to the situation, to the dynamics of the exercises, making her baby doing movements out of its comfort zone.

It was clear that this behavior only lead to more stress and discomfort for the baby. So I told her the features leading up to the discomfort.

* First, there was here own agitation that here baby was the only one in the group with this behavior, that he couldn't follow and that he was crying, shivering and turning blue.

* Secondary, she tried to compensate by drifting up / or pushing him to the level of the group.

* Thirdly, she was unaware she was not connected to her child. (Which is to me a tremendous sad and unbelievable reality, and growing reality in this society, for someone who carried and delivered the growing human to the world).

I told her that every being has its own rhythm and she was largely surpassing this ratio by wanting to level up with the group. I showed her, with positioning my hand, one below and one above, the difference between the life experience of her baby had (lower hand) to her life experience she had (35 years, upper hand). And that she was trying through her expectations and the group situation to, unconsciously force him to get along.

I said that the expectations she had, she wanted her baby to get to her level of life experience so he could follow in the group. That is impossible of course. And that she had to lower her expectations to reality, the comfort zone of her little one. The moment I lowered my hand, that represented her life experience to the level of her baby's, the baby instantly stopped crying, gazed into her eyes and released all tension. Where she on her behalf, started crying from relief and the deep connection the baby, my words and leveling of my hands had established. What happened afterwards was the miracle.

I invited her to keep on bringing her expectations to his level and keep that as a reference for all further exercises. What happened was a revival of mother and baby, where she not only guided him through the exercises, experiencing now joy, comfort and laughter, but astonishingly connected unconsciously with the dynamic of the group. She had no words,.....except gratitude.

This story does not only show us the reality of the unconscious state of being we have towards our own offspring, family and peers, but that there is a lot more going on than what we are aware of.

Imagine what we are doing on daily bases with our children, the expectations and pressure we put upon them, resulting in problematic behavior,......only parents are responsible for!

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